Jennifer C (Expatjen)

[Jennifer]

I was just checking in to see how you were doing. Audrey's surgery is on the 26th, correct? I added it to the calendar, I hope you don't mind. How are you holding up?

[ExpatJen]

Hi Jennifer, thanks for checking in. I am so relieved to hear that Emily is doing so well - and she really does look amazing! It astounded me a bit that she was playing right after surgery. She is no doubt one tough little girl.

Right now, I am not doing so well, although I was better last week. I am starting to panic all over again and have lost my strength a bit. I know it is unrealistic but I keep asking myself what if something goes wrong. What if she is accidentally given the wrong blood type or someone goofs somewhere else? My father died when I was pregnant with Audrey because a very careless doctor sent him off with blood thinners without gauging the right dosage. He had a brain hemorrhage because the dosage was way too high. I thought I had a grip on this but now I am starting to lose it a bit. If anything happens to her I won't survive it.

My niece is arriving the day before we check in at the hospital. We go there on the 25th, the day before surgery, in the evening. We are lucky that the hospital policy is to give kids under the age of 6 a private room with a bed for a parent at no extra charge. I was also told by the opthomologist professor who Audrey saw a few months ago that we were in good hands with our surgeon. It was very reassuring to hear and I do feel safe with him but he won't oversee bags of blood or little things that can cause big problems. I guess I am thinking too much about catastrophic outcomes when last week I was more matter-of-fact about it, reminding myself that she would want us to do this and that we don't really have a choice. I suppose it is because I feel so helpless now - it is all out of my hands. I wish I could be in the operating room asking people "did you double check the blood-type on that bag?"and "are you sure she is getting enough oxygen?" - that's not reality, of course, but I wish it all the same.

It's almost 10pm here now and I am always worse at night. I'll be ok after some sleep. Thanks again for asking,

Jennifer

[verdon2]

God I am so sorry to hear about the unfortunate situation w/ your father, that is just tragic. I felt the same way as you do everyday before Maggies surgery. I'm sure most of us at this site have.(the what ifs, and second-guessing your decision to go through w/ it.) Just be strong and know what you are doing for Audrey is to help her, not hurt her. Its something that has to be done, and will be over sooner than you know it!! We will be praying for you both and hoping for a speedy recovery!!!!

[KALEMSMOM]

Oh Jennifer, I am soo sorry to hear about your father's passing. It's times like these when we think of all the wrongs. Try to think of the positives, like how great she will look and why you are doing this. Please know that you are not alone. I remember feeling the exact same way. I was asking myslef, but he's perfect...do we really have to do this? I almost lost it about a week before Kalem's surgery. I was going crazy...couldn't sleep, eat. I too kept worrying about the what if's but somehow the night before his surgery I was calm and relaxed. I just held him and enjoyed him. He stayed up as long as he wanted to. We slept together that night. It was by far the scarriest thing I've ever had to endure but somehow your body and mommy instincts will take over and you will be fine. These little ones are stronger than we can possibly imagine. She will do great, just as all of cranio babies have and will continue to. You will be amazed at how different she looks and how fast she will recover. My prayers and thoughts will be with you. Hang in there MOM...You'll do great and so will Audrey :-)

[snickers9246]

Jen they are right, yo really have to focus on the positives!! I know, my world spiraled alittle out of control when we found that we couldn't donate for Holly we had to use blood from a bloodbank. I was soo stressed, I think that bothered me more than the thought of the surgery itself! Everything will workout, jsut be positive, you're almost there and over it all!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!

Hugs from Doodles to Audrey

[Rhonda O]

The stress and worry that you are feeling is perfectly normal. I actually started to have anxiety attacks just before Zachary's surgery. I know that everything will go great. You are in my thoughts.

[plukids]

Hi Jennifer! I just know Audrey will amaze you. I will pray for you and Audrey! I can remember the days prior to surgery. Waiting is the hardest part. I am so very sorry about your father. That certainly does not make this easy for you! ((HUGS)) to you and Audrey from Sylvie and I.