Confessions of a Cranio Mom
byon 09-08-2011 at 10:31 PM (4901 Views)
It might not seem like I do because most of the time I wait until everyone is asleep. Then I use the darkness of the night to hide my tears. Like a baby I cry myself to sleep and I silently wish the tears will wash all of this fear away.
I research and I read and I blog until my eyes bleed. My poor eyes. I can't learn enough... can't know enough. I keep on searching for a different/better answer when I know I have already found it.
I'm not a jealous person but why is this happening to my precious baby and not yours. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I hate the fact that you are so happy and I am so unbelievably scared.
I doubt my decisions, I doubt my surgeons, I doubt my motives, I doubt my faith. It's amazing how someone who once was so strong can crumble into a million pieces so quickly.
For answers... for appointments.... for surgery..... for acceptance... to finally shout from the rooftops "we're on the other side".
At your head, at their head..... At the waiting room wall..... At the Ct scan... at the surgeon when he says "craniosynostosis".
I make yet another appointment in hopes that someone will reverse the original diagnosis. This can't be happening.
About everything. Developmental delays.. ICP... what other people will say.... your vision...Your blood count... Anesthesia... Second Surgeries... will it ever stop?
For guidance, for peace, for my life to return to normal. For a successful surgery for you and a successful surgery for all.
I Cry Again.
I never knew that happiness could bring so many tears. You smile at me behind all of your bandages and wires and I melt into the floor.
Not only as a mom but as a person. Your journey and strength changed my life for the better.
The fear, the anxiety, the tears, the hate, the doubt, the worry.
My baby. My cranio family. Your successful journey and the beautiful life it's become.