BabyGabey

Confessions of a Cranio Mom

Rating: 3 votes, 5.00 average.
21 Comments
by
BabyGabey
on 09-08-2011 at 10:31 PM (4901 Views)
I Cry.
It might not seem like I do because most of the time I wait until everyone is asleep. Then I use the darkness of the night to hide my tears. Like a baby I cry myself to sleep and I silently wish the tears will wash all of this fear away.

I Obsess.
I research and I read and I blog until my eyes bleed. My poor eyes. I can't learn enough... can't know enough. I keep on searching for a different/better answer when I know I have already found it.

I Hate.
I'm not a jealous person but why is this happening to my precious baby and not yours. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I hate the fact that you are so happy and I am so unbelievably scared.

I Doubt.
I doubt my decisions, I doubt my surgeons, I doubt my motives, I doubt my faith. It's amazing how someone who once was so strong can crumble into a million pieces so quickly.

I Wait.
For answers... for appointments.... for surgery..... for acceptance... to finally shout from the rooftops "we're on the other side".

I Stare.
At your head, at their head..... At the waiting room wall..... At the Ct scan... at the surgeon when he says "craniosynostosis".

I Deny.
I make yet another appointment in hopes that someone will reverse the original diagnosis. This can't be happening.

I Worry.
About everything. Developmental delays.. ICP... what other people will say.... your vision...Your blood count... Anesthesia... Second Surgeries... will it ever stop?

I Pray.
For guidance, for peace, for my life to return to normal. For a successful surgery for you and a successful surgery for all.

I Cry Again.
I never knew that happiness could bring so many tears. You smile at me behind all of your bandages and wires and I melt into the floor.

I Grow.
Not only as a mom but as a person. Your journey and strength changed my life for the better.

I Overcome.
The fear, the anxiety, the tears, the hate, the doubt, the worry.

I Love.
My baby. My cranio family. Your successful journey and the beautiful life it's become.
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Comments

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  1. Jennifer's Avatar
    BEAUTIFUL!!!!! It's been years since cranio was the 'biggest' part of my life..but everything you just said is so true. I remember it all so well. Do you mind if I post this (with your name of course!) on our CK Facebook page so other parents can read this and know they aren't the only one?
  2. jo_32's Avatar
    Wow. Everything is so true. I have no other words.
  3. Janet's Avatar
    Not was I was expecting to read this morning....but thanks for writing this. I'm feeling all of this right now, especially facing a second surgery.
  4. jjmc123's Avatar
    Love it
  5. Carmen77's Avatar
    Simply beautiful!!
  6. joshmummy's Avatar
    lovely..beautiful! xx
  7. Monica's Avatar
    I love it. I remember hating all smooth foreheads for about 3 months between diagnosis and surgery. Beautiful!
  8. Sophia's_mom's Avatar
    Well I made it to "I Hate" before I broke down in tears. It's beautiful and so very true!
  9. babyaudrey's Avatar
    You really captured how I feel as well. Thank you!
  10. fmbruschi's Avatar
    You summed it up beautifully! It's an emotional roller coaster
  11. Mel-Nic's Avatar
    I really can't believe how similar all of our journeys are. I wish we could all meet to support each other in person. Glad this site is here so at least we can do it virtually. I feel no one in the "outside" world undertands this journey and all of the stress. They think the surgery is over and therefore so is our worry. Your post is very eloquent and rings true in so many ways for me. Thanks for sharing!
  12. ChicHippie's Avatar
    Thank you, I needed to read this today!
  13. Lucrezia's Avatar
    I feel your pain, I am there and no one understands, or so it seems..... I also cry, all the time. I do all that you do my friend...but I have yet to love...I had no choice ... and yet if feels as if it is my fault.
    From my broken heart
  14. Mr. Jordan's mommy's Avatar
    Tears are falling! That was BEAUTIFUL!! I also watch ur amazing video of baby Gabey's Story over and over:) He is simply handsome!! I just found out yestuday that my little Jordan(2 months old) Has Metopic synostosis:( We are etremely scared!
  15. EricaS's Avatar
    I just saw this today! This is absolutely beautiful, Lauren! I didn't expect to cry this morning!!! Thank you so much for putting into words what I could not, I love this! <3
  16. For Jacobi's Avatar
    AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL AND SO TRUE! THANK YOU!
  17. DeannaFranklin's Avatar
    Exactly.
  18. Bellaskg's Avatar
    Just brought tears to my eyes! What a mix of emotions we all feel throughout this journey. Thank you for putting it into words!
  19. kansasmom's Avatar
    Wow- sends shivers up my spine to read this. It is theraputic to me, and obviously many others. Thank you for sharing!
  20. Holdysmom's Avatar
    Thank you!
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