VRZOmommy
11-15-2010, 05:17 PM
Prepare for a long winded monologue full of run on sentences and sarcasm
I met my Husband in high school, we fell in love the year I graduated, We’ve been through everything together, we became poor, I got fat, our respective parents drive their respective son/daughter in law nuts, and even in all of that, nothing changed our love, we passed every test and trial, we kept the spark, we were each others best friends, lover, partner…and then almost 5 years in we had a baby …
I have a pit in my stomach all the time, I have since I had my daughter V almost 18 months ago.
Breast feeding was difficult at first, horrible even. she drank 50 % formula for the first 4 months of her life until one day i just bagged up the bottles and forced us to get through breast feeding until it became something we both enjoyed. that was really the beginning of my feeling like i was failing.
At three weeks old she got the typical bulls-eye rash associated with Lyme disease. Our dog was not allowed in our living room, bedroom or on our furniture so I’ll never know how we managed that one...just lucky i guess. The days before the diagnoses are when my family started telling me I was over reacting and imagining things. It took two weeks to get the diagnosis and luckily we started treatment while the rash was still intact... after 30 days of antibiotics on my 3 week old new born, the worst diaper rash I have ever seen in person, and a growing wedge between me and my husband, the Lyme disease was past us right? WRONG! no matter what for the rest of my living days lyme disease will cause fights between me and my husband, my mother to look at me with obvious concern for my mental health and for me to watch my daughter like a hawk for symptoms of meningitis and joint pain... I would like To dig a hole burry and have a funeral for Lyme disease, but it will never be in the past for me and I will never stop wondering if i could have done something to prevent it...
oh yeah on week 4 of her life i had my lousy failing gall bladder removed. That was a blast i wish i had two so i could get the other one removed too
my daughter cried for 5 and a half months straight...i had no idea what the heck was going on. i was 23 and had only met two babies before in my life (I’m sure you can guess what i thought it was) .everybody said "babies cry" like I was I was some whiny moron. finally i asked the right questions and told our pediatrician the right things and V was put on prevacid(< i love you)
VRZO finally stopped crying long enough for me to realize how much I loved being her mother, I was finally able to leave the house...go shopping go visiting...show off my beautiful, gorgeous, perfect daughter...
wait a second here.... Pretty sure you all know if I'm here she's not perfect, and just because family friends and medical professionals say it, doesn't make it true... but I'm getting ahead of myself...sort of
At some point we discovered.... well I discovered she had torticollis and even though it was obvious and they agreed, my family was really giving me funny looks now. You know, darting eyes back and forth at each other, might have even done the cuckoo sign as I left the room but i never saw it. they started saying things like "now you’re just looking for problems", "all babies favor one side", and my favorite " it will probably correct its self"
I did my research, I did the gentle stretches, I did the positional therapy, i worked on tummy time, and after a few months it corrected itself...(bwahahahahaha)
The only evidence of it now is some very slight asymmetry in the back of her head… I notice it compulsively…my mother doesn’t at all, Dh is on the fence…sometimes he does sometimes he doesn’t
Between 8 and 10 months my daughter was diagnosed with benign Myoclonus, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a movement disorder which usually goes away by the age of three.. Most babies have some form of it that goes away by 4 months or so.. its caused by signal misfiring in a premature nervous system.. This was probably the scariest of all before it was diagnosed. Now the only sign of it is a little shrug she does and when she’s falling asleep she still has kind of a startle reflex. Here is a video that helped me, maybe your child had it and you didn’t even know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNCKr5t7k1k
After the Myoclonus diagnosis I started trying to trick myself into relaxing. I started the avoid, ignore, deny or freak out game. It goes like this…if its something very mild: ignore it, if its scary: freak out and call the doctor . Now if you simply can’t decide if its scary or nothing at all you always have the option of either avoiding it, or denying that it exists at all… I believe this game is why we went almost 17 months without me putting it all together about the trig. I noticed every single symptom but chose to avoid looking at them or I pretended they weren’t there, until I finally did put it all together I freaked out and called the doctor. I don’t play the game anymore, I think I got stuck on freak out and can’t get off of it.
Now I am worried constantly and i look at her and i don't know what i'm seeing anymore. Has it gotten worse, will it? Will I wake up one day and see this has disfigured her and suddenly we will have to prepare for surgery? Metopic ridge mild Trigonocephaly, lip tie, tongue tie, epicanthal folds, sacral dimple(doc called it not even pre sacral dimple), could she have a heart defect? They've listened to her heart every time she went to docs, did he miss it? Does she have an unknown syndrome, her father has these traits his mother does too... Is V's more severe?
I feel the ridge on my daughters forehead and wonder would anybody other than me have even noticed. I cry too much these days. ... I wonder did i cause it? (I have a few bone deformities myself) Every time she touches her head, is that ICP? (or Lyme disease?)
Maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t mentioned my friends or their opinions , that is because I don’t really have any they all took the “I don’t have a kid so I don’t understand and I don’t wanna” train outta town after the baby shower haha. my best friend who I talk to almost everyday actually does live “outta town” and though she’s a nanny which is as close to another young mother as I’m ever going to get , play dates with her and her nanny kids must remain imaginary because I only get to see her once a year.
I don't think I will have any more children...I love my daughter so much i just don’t think I’d be able to take on any more worry.
My daughter is so social, so generous to give love hugs and kisses, has pretty good eye contact, but I find myself worrying about autism. My baby sister who will be 15 years old this month has epilepsy and corrected Chiari, I worry about Chiari … My cousin and best friend died at age ten from a brain tumor, I worry about cancer… I don’t think I will ever be ready for number baby number two, and I pretty sure at this point…my family has the right to sidewise glances .
My husband(which is only what I call him, we are not married) and I are working hard to see eye to eye, to get that magic back, we are making time for snuggling, for forgiveness and for identifying with one another. We were so arrogant we thought we had this and that attitude left us a year and a half later realizing we haven’t focused on anyone but V
I like definitive answers and there just aren't any, not for us anyway. It’s a journey, getting from point A to point B will always be difficult, and scary. I think it is even for “normal, perfect” kids, even for their “normal, perfect” parents. I also know I’m just whining, that most of you have gone through so much more than we have, but this is our story and I wanted to share it with all of you who have helped us so much already.
I would also and in finality like to add that I think I’m proud of myself that I learned the meaning of and especially that I learned how to spell all the terms and phrases yet Microsoft word and the internet like to make me doubt my competence with a little red zigzag….
I met my Husband in high school, we fell in love the year I graduated, We’ve been through everything together, we became poor, I got fat, our respective parents drive their respective son/daughter in law nuts, and even in all of that, nothing changed our love, we passed every test and trial, we kept the spark, we were each others best friends, lover, partner…and then almost 5 years in we had a baby …
I have a pit in my stomach all the time, I have since I had my daughter V almost 18 months ago.
Breast feeding was difficult at first, horrible even. she drank 50 % formula for the first 4 months of her life until one day i just bagged up the bottles and forced us to get through breast feeding until it became something we both enjoyed. that was really the beginning of my feeling like i was failing.
At three weeks old she got the typical bulls-eye rash associated with Lyme disease. Our dog was not allowed in our living room, bedroom or on our furniture so I’ll never know how we managed that one...just lucky i guess. The days before the diagnoses are when my family started telling me I was over reacting and imagining things. It took two weeks to get the diagnosis and luckily we started treatment while the rash was still intact... after 30 days of antibiotics on my 3 week old new born, the worst diaper rash I have ever seen in person, and a growing wedge between me and my husband, the Lyme disease was past us right? WRONG! no matter what for the rest of my living days lyme disease will cause fights between me and my husband, my mother to look at me with obvious concern for my mental health and for me to watch my daughter like a hawk for symptoms of meningitis and joint pain... I would like To dig a hole burry and have a funeral for Lyme disease, but it will never be in the past for me and I will never stop wondering if i could have done something to prevent it...
oh yeah on week 4 of her life i had my lousy failing gall bladder removed. That was a blast i wish i had two so i could get the other one removed too
my daughter cried for 5 and a half months straight...i had no idea what the heck was going on. i was 23 and had only met two babies before in my life (I’m sure you can guess what i thought it was) .everybody said "babies cry" like I was I was some whiny moron. finally i asked the right questions and told our pediatrician the right things and V was put on prevacid(< i love you)
VRZO finally stopped crying long enough for me to realize how much I loved being her mother, I was finally able to leave the house...go shopping go visiting...show off my beautiful, gorgeous, perfect daughter...
wait a second here.... Pretty sure you all know if I'm here she's not perfect, and just because family friends and medical professionals say it, doesn't make it true... but I'm getting ahead of myself...sort of
At some point we discovered.... well I discovered she had torticollis and even though it was obvious and they agreed, my family was really giving me funny looks now. You know, darting eyes back and forth at each other, might have even done the cuckoo sign as I left the room but i never saw it. they started saying things like "now you’re just looking for problems", "all babies favor one side", and my favorite " it will probably correct its self"
I did my research, I did the gentle stretches, I did the positional therapy, i worked on tummy time, and after a few months it corrected itself...(bwahahahahaha)
The only evidence of it now is some very slight asymmetry in the back of her head… I notice it compulsively…my mother doesn’t at all, Dh is on the fence…sometimes he does sometimes he doesn’t
Between 8 and 10 months my daughter was diagnosed with benign Myoclonus, if you don’t know what it is, it’s a movement disorder which usually goes away by the age of three.. Most babies have some form of it that goes away by 4 months or so.. its caused by signal misfiring in a premature nervous system.. This was probably the scariest of all before it was diagnosed. Now the only sign of it is a little shrug she does and when she’s falling asleep she still has kind of a startle reflex. Here is a video that helped me, maybe your child had it and you didn’t even know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNCKr5t7k1k
After the Myoclonus diagnosis I started trying to trick myself into relaxing. I started the avoid, ignore, deny or freak out game. It goes like this…if its something very mild: ignore it, if its scary: freak out and call the doctor . Now if you simply can’t decide if its scary or nothing at all you always have the option of either avoiding it, or denying that it exists at all… I believe this game is why we went almost 17 months without me putting it all together about the trig. I noticed every single symptom but chose to avoid looking at them or I pretended they weren’t there, until I finally did put it all together I freaked out and called the doctor. I don’t play the game anymore, I think I got stuck on freak out and can’t get off of it.
Now I am worried constantly and i look at her and i don't know what i'm seeing anymore. Has it gotten worse, will it? Will I wake up one day and see this has disfigured her and suddenly we will have to prepare for surgery? Metopic ridge mild Trigonocephaly, lip tie, tongue tie, epicanthal folds, sacral dimple(doc called it not even pre sacral dimple), could she have a heart defect? They've listened to her heart every time she went to docs, did he miss it? Does she have an unknown syndrome, her father has these traits his mother does too... Is V's more severe?
I feel the ridge on my daughters forehead and wonder would anybody other than me have even noticed. I cry too much these days. ... I wonder did i cause it? (I have a few bone deformities myself) Every time she touches her head, is that ICP? (or Lyme disease?)
Maybe you’ve noticed I haven’t mentioned my friends or their opinions , that is because I don’t really have any they all took the “I don’t have a kid so I don’t understand and I don’t wanna” train outta town after the baby shower haha. my best friend who I talk to almost everyday actually does live “outta town” and though she’s a nanny which is as close to another young mother as I’m ever going to get , play dates with her and her nanny kids must remain imaginary because I only get to see her once a year.
I don't think I will have any more children...I love my daughter so much i just don’t think I’d be able to take on any more worry.
My daughter is so social, so generous to give love hugs and kisses, has pretty good eye contact, but I find myself worrying about autism. My baby sister who will be 15 years old this month has epilepsy and corrected Chiari, I worry about Chiari … My cousin and best friend died at age ten from a brain tumor, I worry about cancer… I don’t think I will ever be ready for number baby number two, and I pretty sure at this point…my family has the right to sidewise glances .
My husband(which is only what I call him, we are not married) and I are working hard to see eye to eye, to get that magic back, we are making time for snuggling, for forgiveness and for identifying with one another. We were so arrogant we thought we had this and that attitude left us a year and a half later realizing we haven’t focused on anyone but V
I like definitive answers and there just aren't any, not for us anyway. It’s a journey, getting from point A to point B will always be difficult, and scary. I think it is even for “normal, perfect” kids, even for their “normal, perfect” parents. I also know I’m just whining, that most of you have gone through so much more than we have, but this is our story and I wanted to share it with all of you who have helped us so much already.
I would also and in finality like to add that I think I’m proud of myself that I learned the meaning of and especially that I learned how to spell all the terms and phrases yet Microsoft word and the internet like to make me doubt my competence with a little red zigzag….